) So, I surrender this tiny piece to the strict hands of critiques.
Comments in red.
Iya Ythmir wrote:
The last person I wanted to be with on earth was with me that night, under a nearly dilapidated waiting shed that seemed to be apologizing to me that it even existed. Although I understand and even like the concept behind this, I find the line itself awkwardly phrased. It sounds like she doesn't want to be with herself, when I think she actually doesn't want to be with Mac. You've also packed this sentence full of modifiers, when it would do better without, and you don't explain how the shed seems to apologize. Think about substituting something along the lines of this: "That night, the last place I wanted to be was under a dilapidated shed, -insert description of shed-, and the last person that I wanted to be there with was Mac." Not that exactly, but something close. I knew that the chances of me meeting him here by coincidence were slim to none. He must – should - have a reason why he was on this street, under this waiting shed, with his trench coat just as soaked as mine was from the pouring rain. The "was" is superfluous. Although I have to admit that I did not want to know what that reason was. You already told us this when she said that she knew this was no coincidence and she knew that he had to have a reason to be there.
We acted like two people who did not know each other. It would be stronger if this line were removed, and you went straight to how they were sitting. He sat on the far left of the rusting bench while I sat down on the far right, avoiding his eyes and trying to convince myself that he did not exist. If only the rain wasn’t acting like it was near the end of the world, I would’ve charged away to find a cab – or even a tree – just so that I could avoid him. However, the rain was acting like the world was going to end The sections cited in bold are extremely repetitive. and I had no other choice but to stay. I was unwilling to get hammered to death and besides, between sitting a few feet away from him and dying from raindrops the size of bullets, I’d choose the first. Again, the sections cited are repetitive.
I really had no way out. My phone had given its last throes of life seconds before I reached the shed. I was also down to my last five bucks. I hadn’t really thought that I would have a problem with money. And it was irritating that of all the times for me to be stuck somewhere, it had to be here and now. The "and" is unnecessary.
Neither of us wanted to start a conversation. Or, that was what I thought till he said, “You knew it would rain.” Don't say that neither wanted to start a conversation and then immediately start a conversation.
I knew what he meant, “I wanted to check it out.” Comma should be a period.
“You just went because he asked you to.”
“Like I said, Mac, I had the urge to go.” "I had the urge to go"? No one would ever say that. "I wanted to," maybe.
“You were ranting about the rain all day.” Does she see her ex-boyfriend often? As in, was she hanging out with him all day?
“Can’t I change opinions?”
“You never change opinions.” And he had bitterness in his tone. Better: "He sounded bitter" or "His tone was bitter".
Bitterness from what? I wondered, only for a moment because I began staring at my shoes that were wet outside-in. I could actually feel it "It" what? The water? Say so. squishing and could’ve squished it all night if he hadn’t opened his mouth to speak again. “You hate those kinds of things. I never even took you to them.”
I tried my best not to look at him. I continued on pressing my shoes. Was I hoping to push out my insecurity with it as well? I couldn’t really tell. Maybe, Strike the comma. I was. God knows my stomach wasn’t feeling so good.
He was right though. I hated that particular kind of concert. I never grasped the gist of those things. I have always hated those loud noises, the singers growling, howling and shouting out lyrics that meant nothing but trash as if they were mantras. I hated the crowds who were composed mostly of insipid humans who shouted back louder, screaming bloody murder, whose bodies were peppered with piercing and nonsense tattoos. Don’t get me wrong though, I love rock music and I have nothing against body piercing and tattoos; it’s just that I have a limit to what I can tolerate. Perhaps it's only me, but this sounds as if the author is speaking, realizes that they might upset someone, and then backtracks with an apology to cover themselves.
Hard-metal was most definitely out of the question.
And somehow, Should be either "And, somehow," or "And somehow (no comma)" it bothered me that he still knew and I expressed this out loud Obviously it is expressed outloud, as you quote it in the next breath. Just leave it at "knew". Perhaps add in exactly what it is he knows: "so much about me" etc., “It doesn’t really matter to you, does it? Why should you even care?”
He made a tsk sound. He always made that sound whenever I proved a point that he didn’t like Personal suggestion that can be ignored: "He always made that sound when I proved a point he didn't like.". I was both pissed and scared that he made that sound. It made me think; made my mind swirl on why. I don't get it. And I don't particularly like the "mind swirling" image.
Thunder rumbled and growled, an intermission between two clashing mortals. The cosmos must’ve banded together to make sure that we would meet. I couldn’t really escape it. And perhaps I didn’t really want to. I have long accepted the fact that no matter how much we avoided one another, sooner or later, we would have to talk about it… Just a period.
About everything.
Still, a part of me didn’t want to talk about it. Try "Still, a part of me didn't want to talk." or something similiar. You're getting too hazy and free with the undefined pronouns. A part of me wanted to go into the rain and leave Mac all alone, the way he wanted, four months ago. A part of me disproved this "Disproved" as in "showed this to be false"?. And I was left once more into an abyss of indecision. "Abyss of indecision" is kind of cheesy and I don't think that you can be "left into" something.
Yes, like four months ago. You already used up your one-sentence dramatic paragraph.
“Brian’s trash and you know it. Mention who says this. He talks trash, acts trash – does nothing but and you still put up with him.” His tone was still Use a word other than "still", which is used above. bitter but it had a new element to it: anger.
I stared harder at my shoes.
“He doesn’t deserve you.” Mention who says this.
“Will you just shut up about it?” I snapped, his last comment flaring me up. Obviously the character flared, as she snapped and told him to "shut up". “Bloody hell, Mac. You’re out of everything and you can’t squeeze back into my good books.” "You're out of everything" sounds like he's depleted of everything. As in, "we're out of tissue paper, honey".
“So, you’re not saying that what I am saying is wrong?” Too many "saying"s. Try: "So you're saying that I'm wrong."
“Shut up.” I snapped harder Difficult to snap "harder". I'd take out the first use of "snapped" and leave this one as just "snapped"., still not looking at him, knowing that if I did, I would only falter in his hard, iron gaze. “I attested to nothing and denied nothing. Trite. A few people might say "deny", but there is no modern teen who would say "attested" in normal conversation. This isn’t media-talk.” I don't understand this reference. Then, I was able to mumble. Cut the previous sentence. “And (lowercase'd "S") Stop acting like you care because I know you don’t.” Cut the "I know"; we know she knows: that's why she said it.
Again, the thunder. I was thanking it now, acting like some chaperone between me and him. It filled in the silence where he should be responding or where I should be continuing on. Eh. Not feeling this description.
“But I do care.” he said.
I tried to ignore the burning hole it "It" what? What he said? made through my psyche and failed. Memories started flooding me in an instant, as if his very words were the key to the destruction of the dam I have built to stop the overflow of emotion, of reminiscences, of qualms. This line is too long and convoluted. “Don’t lie to me.” "I said."
“Don’t lie to yourself.”
Once more, my being temperamental got a hold of my better judgment and made reason disappear. I stood up, hands curled into fists, nails digging into my palms. I hadn’t realized that my body was shaking until later on. Either "I hadn't realized that my body was shaking until now" or "I didn't realize that my body was shaking until later"What was on my mind that moment was the memories of Mac, of me – of us. I tried to push them away but couldn’t. He had broken the dam.
He had broken my heart.
“Will you just stop it?” I shouted at him Who else would she shout at?. “Stop studying me like you’re my shrink, stop calculating my responses – just stop it! You’re out of my life, Mac! You wanted out, tore yourself away – and there’s no bloody way I’m going to let you in! You got that? Stop talking shit about Brian and start looking more at yourself, because you’re not actually a stud, bastard.”
“And neither is he.”
“Shut the fuck up!!”
My response was accompanied by a crack of lightning and loud thunder; unwanted theatricals that were supposed to add strength. "Supposed to"? Does she intend them to? Can she control the weather?
I felt weak.
And possibly it was "due to/because of" this weakness that I was finally able to look at him.
I was surprised to see that he was looking at me all the while What? How could she see, at this one instant, that he had been watching her the whole time? and I was all the more taken aback to realize that his gaze was anything but firm. The iron had disappeared and turned into a mere, misty gray, like wisps of rain clouds barely making it away from the sun. We never saw the iron; we were just told about it. Thus, it cannot disappear.
“Did he notice you leave?” he asked. "See you leave" would be better. It sounds more like normal conversation, and makes more sense as, since she has not yet spoken to her boyfriend, she cannot actually know if he noticed.
I started to falter, even if what he gave me wasn’t the firm, iron gaze. “He… didn’t. We got… separated.” You either falter or you don't, and if she's stuttering, then she faltered.
“It’s not even finished, is it?” What's not? The concert? Their relationship? I'm confused.
Was he here because he knew I couldn’t stand the concert and would leave early? Was he here for the sole purpose of betting on the slim chance that I might stop by this dilapidated waiting shed and "he would have me", probably, unless she has herself...to herself. have me for himself? Was he here amidst the bloody, murderous rain so that he could talk to me? Well I guess, since he's talking to you.
“I do care, Dana.” He said, No comma. in a low whisper Comma. and yet I heard it as if it was said through a megaphone.
“Bullshit.” And then, without second thoughts, I ran into the rain. This would be more powerful as a last line, and separated. I will illustrate in a moment.
A tiny voice inside my head was shouting at me, telling me that I was such a wimp. I couldn’t push it out. The same way I couldn’t fight back the tears or the memories. Or the fact that I already knew just what a weak pushover I really was. This should be reworded; it's a little cheesy. Especially the "fight back the tears or the memories" bit. In fact, I would probably cut it all together and put the flood of emotions in the next chapter, when the character can dwell on it more.
End with:
(Some type of pause, for drama's sake)
(Quote)
(Exit)
Ex:
I looked him up and down.
"Bullshit," I said, and ran into the rain.
or
I looked him in the eye.
"Bullshit."
Without a backwards glance, I ran into the rain.
Change, obviously, to make those better, as they are off the top of my head and not very good.
Pretty good overall, and I will definitely keep reading if you let me know when the rest is posted.
There are a few moments when it starts to turn overly dramatic, but you seem to reign it in fairly quickly.
One problem which I didn't mention above and am not entirely sure how to fix--I thought that Dana was a boy, around age 17, until I read her name. That might be something that you think about clarifying early on.
Avens
Thank you very much GML, Dustfinger and Riababy for both the critiques and the praises (and the star 
) I appreciate the time you've given for this little work of mine.
Points: 1040
Reviews: 53
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